I spent more than a month in the hospital for my ED.
I went 120 hours without eating and my glucose came back as 46 (2.55 for you UK folk) which was bad. Oops.
I'm out now. All better!
jk
relapsing. hard.
But I get watched now. No artificial sweeteners. No "diet" or "lite" foods. FML.
Oh welllll I manage to get about 1,000 calories a day, 500 if I'm lucky. I guess I'll still be losing weight, just not as fast. Grrrrrr. It's annoying. Also, no scale.
I just got my license though. I should be able to go down to the store now and buy a new scale, more diet pills (I'm almost out), and my own personal stash of Pepsi Maxx and Splenda.
Lol I'm such a rebel.
A fat rebel.

I'm about to go to bed. I haven't eaten in 80 hours. I'm really hungry. I thought hunger was supposed to go away after the 3rd day.
I'm 136lbs right now. I feel huge.

I bought a ton of safe food at the store with my mom today:

• A rutabaga
• A bag of celery
• A box of generic strawberry Special K cereal (110 calories a cup)
• A thing of cheddar rice cakes (like 40 calories each or something like that)
• A thing of caramel rice cakes (like 40 calories each)
• 2 cans of Progresso soup (100 calories a can)

Then I got some treats:

• Fat-free cheddar cheese (45 cals a cup!!!)
• A box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (130 calories a cup)
• Morningstar vegetarian corn dogs (150 calories each)

I think I'm going to have to go to bed now to avoid the food.

Apparently all my teachers are worried about me. At conferences all of my teachers that my mom met with independently said that they were worried about me and my weight loss.
*sigh*

My weight loss so far

I was sitting and eating celery at the table. My mom was having soup and tortilla chips. I commented that I was jealous that she could just eat all that without worrying about the calories (she knows I've been having some problems with my weight and losing weight unhealthily). She told me that eventually I'll be able to too. I said I doubted it. She said "what, are you planning on dieting even when you're 30?" I replied "yeah". She told me that I'd "be obessesed with 10 other things before I was 30". I got annoyed and told her that she underestimated my food problems. She told me that no, she didn't. I told her that I really felt that she did. Her reply? "You have to understanding that hearing this is like being my age having been in love 10 times and hearing your teenage daughter say that you underestimate her love and how she'll always be in love"
I snapped. I got up, shoved my celery towards her and screamed that she didn't understand. "You know how many calories I've had today?! 415! Yesterday? 15!" then I threw my pills on the floor and told her that I hadn't taken them in months.
Yeah, we ended up "talking" about all this. She asked me what I want her to do... get me help? Get me an ED therapist? Make me eat?
Then she said something about me only having 15 calories yesterday. I'd composed myself and said "no, 15 HUNDRED". She became a ton more relieved.
IDK. I was honest with her about some stuff...
but I just feel like a failure. Like I can't stop now. I'm too fucking fat to stop. I'm too fucking fat to come clean. I'm too fucking fat to deserve recovery.
I realize this all makes me sound like a spoiled whiny brat bitch of a daughter. I don't even care right now. This is going to fuck up my life.
Dammit.

138lbs
Finally broke out of my binge cycle. I had 30 calories today, and a TON of green tea. That shit is amazing.

My weight loss

220

185

165

 

140 (now)

Still 141.
The other day our sociology teacher was demonstrating how important symbols are. He wrote "cow" on the board, and gave us a second. He then told us that it was just 3 squiggly lines but we were all picturing a black and white cow in our heads. Everyone nodded and agreed. The first thing that had come to my mind was myself. That I am a fat cow. EDs really do control your everyday thoughts.

More photography... my dad almost walked in on me shooting this.... would have been awkward to explain why I had a doll hanging with a noose around her neck....

Yay photography

I was messing around with my camera last night and this is what I came up with
Feel free to reblog if you wish (no idea why you'd want to)

I could feel a binge coming on.....

I had a giant bowl of soup when I got home from school to try to avoid it- 92 calories.

Then I took a nap hoping to sleep through the urge, but I woke up.

So I had some vegetables- 50

and some chips and salsa- 120

I kept craving ice cream, so I had some so that I wouldn't stuff my face with it later- 100

I figured this was a lot but if it kept away a binge it was alright.

Then the binge started

more ice cream- 150

3 granola bars- 300

lasagna- 280

slice of cheese- 80

cookies- 560

Total- 1732

I feel fucking disgusting and revolting and huge.

Fuck my inability to throw up. I feel like I should try, but it never works and I always just end up feeling like shit (not that I don't deserve it)

Tomorrow is a new day, what-fucking-ever I stuffed my face with almost 1/2 a lb worth of calories.
That's as much as "normal" people eat in a day.

I don't know if I even have a fucking eating disorder or if I'm just a fat ass who whines about being fat but has no self control and likes to stuff her face.

Maybe I'm just a stupid worthless fat whore who likes to think she has an ED because it makes her feel special. Probably.

I'm going to be this fucking fat forever if I can't get it under control.

When skinny girls binge it's OK- they're still skinny, they don't really need to lose weight, it's understandable because their bodies need food- but fuck it, my body has so much fucking energy attached to it already... it's called fat.

Sorry for the whining, I've just only ever binged like 900 calories before and I feel fucking disgusting and horrible and weak.

I feel like crying and cutting and I don't know what else.

Pretty fucking proud of myself :)
I had 11 calories yesterday, and worked off 411 at the gym
Today I've had 92 and that will hopefully be all.
I weighed 139 when I got home, but I've had literally 5 cans of diet coke, and 3-4 cups of soup (it was a package mix, it's where the 92 came from) so after that I was 143.
Weekends suck though :(
I have to go to my dad's at 4 tomorrow, so maybe I can get my mom to take me to the gym in the morning, and then get my dad to take me in the evening, that way they both think I went once.
:)

A teacher read us this poem a few months ago (he often opens class with a poem) and it meant so much to me that I went out and found it and put it in picture form.

Ate 600 calories
burned off 600 calories at the gym
unsure how to feel about this :/

8:30 pm
Egg white- 17cals
Chocolate- 45cals
Salad+veggies- 30 cals?
Pudding cup- 60cals
Total- 152 cals
Then ran off 535 at the gym
It was a good day :)
And I went to see the French club movie, and the student teacher wasn't there, so I got away with eating NOTHING. I was surrounded by bread with Boursin, chocolate tarts, and cookies, and I didn't have any. I'm pretty frickin proud of myself.
Everyone else was eating though... I never realized how disgusting eating is. It was so loud and gross. Blegh.

Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I binged again.... like 500 calories of ice cream and rice crisps.
And I can't even fucking purge....
10 minutes of disgustingness and I could barely get anything out and I feel like shit.
I wonder if these are even just binges or me refusing to face the fact that I'm a fucking fat ass with no self-control who stuffs her disgusting fat face.

 I had some cabbage soup and chips and salsa... maybe 300 calories?
... but that's not why I'm posting.
I came out to my mom :)

My mom knows I do gay straight alliance and stuff, but I haven't come out.

I was sitting at the kitchen table eating chips and salsa with my mom and I randomly said "by the way... I'm bisexual"
She said "...ok?"
I said "just thought you should know"
She asked how I knew
I told her the same way she knew she was straight
She skeptically said that I was too young to know
I reminded her that I'm 16 and not naive
She said OK
I then asked if she'd be OK with me bringing a girlfriend home
She recommended not bringing home a girlfriend to my dad's house (he would flip)
We then joked about how my grandparents would react to the that
and then started talking about how our days went.
I love my mom, haha

Yesterday I did like 800, but that was with 2 hours of ice skating
I was 141/142 after school today.
I've been fasting but I'm really tempted to do some 200 calorie cabbage soup... I'm pretty damn hungry.
But then I might lose the dizziness... I am so close to passing out. I effing love it :)
Grrrr....
I hate the stupid fight with the ED voice... maybe I should just go to sleep and forget about it.

I binged, like the fucking disgusting pig that I am...
I had my planned lunch, 179 cals, and a cracker, 6 cals
Then I got home.
I had some hashbrowns- 40
Then 3 bags of Cinna-Swirl crisps- 270
2 pudding cups- 160
Cabbage soup-150?
4 cookies- 140
Lettuce and Salsa- 40

Grand total... Drumroll please?

985

I feel fucking disgusting. If I could I'd be puking right now. I hate myself, but I can't bring myself to care about the calories right now... I'll sure regret it tomorrow though.
I was on my feet all day... the mypyramidtracker thing says I used up about 3,000 calories today.
I'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow (if I can resist, haha) and I'll be at my dad's all day so I won't weigh until Monday afternoon, and hopefully this won't have set me back too much.
I was 144 this morning.

Tuesday I broke down and handed over my diet pills to my mom and told her my tricks to get out of eating. I was scared I would go back to heavy restricting.
Now I'm back to restricting.
Yesterday I had
Vegetables- 50 Cals
Egg white- 17 Cals
Salsa and lettuce- 10 Cals
Putting me at 77 Cals
Then I went to the gym and ran off 400 on the elliptical as well as doing some yoga.
I've already been feeling lightheaded and like I'm going to pass out.
Today I had
2 egg whites- 34 Cals
Vegetables- 50 Cals
Salsa and lettuce- 10 Cals
Pudding- 80 Cals
Fruit snacks- 45 Cals
So, 219 Calories
Tomorrow I'll be out of the house all day doing something at school... there will be free pizza and pop, eek.
I packed for lunch
2 Diet Cokes
Iceburg lettuce- 5 Cals
Salsa- 22 Cals
Raw carrots- 40 Cals
Microwaved veggies- 50 Cals
Egg white (hard boiled)- 17 Cals
Fruit snacks- 45 Cals
Total: 179 Cals

I'm giving myself a 500 limit for tomorrow, hoping to stay under 300
I got down to 145lbs :)

I just finished giving blood.
I will be back to restricting tomorrow :)
This is for you, yes you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra9J-0ylzEc&feature=related

I've been sort of eating.
Today is my 16th birthday, and ever since I was 12 I've wanted to give blood on my 16th birthday. I have an appointment tomorrow, and I've been eating normally(ish) these last few days so that my blood will be good for that.
My mom will also be taking me to the clinic soon to get some blood tests and stuff (because she found out about my ED) and I really need the tests to look normal so I can be left alone and look like I've recovered.
So I'm eating like 1,200 calories a day, and I will be having birthday cake tonight too.
I'm scared that once I get past all these obstacles I'll lose all my strength and just keep eating.
I just wish I could go on a several day fast to get back into it. Gah.
The weird thing is I've stayed at 147... I feel huge and disgusting, but I'm not gaining.
I hate myself for eating right now, but I have to.
On the plus side, I got my birthday present, an elliptical, today, so I'll be able to lose even faster.

So I talked to the teacher again today. She said she's in recovery. I asked how she knew, and she couldn't really answer... it's just one of those things that you can detect in others when you have it yourself. She said she didn't think that it was super obvious and everyone knows.
I'm nervous... on the 3rd we have a French club movie night, and there will be boursin (garlic&herb, my favorite kind!) and bread, as well as chocolate, and I know for sure she will be there... I hope she doesn't try to make me eat.
The psychology teacher commented on my weight loss in front of a few people. I just acted uncomfortable and walked away, and one of the people there said "I think that made her uncomfortable". By this point I'm so sick of the compliments that I decided to just tell him why. He was just like "oh.. you shouldn't do that". Really helpful.
I found out today that a teacher that has been gone for like a month at my school that I really like will be coming back next week. Turns out she's pregnant! It was a total shock, haha.
For sociology I have to write an autobiography and it's due a week from today. 1,000 words or more. I have no idea what I want to reveal.. the teacher said no one else would read it, and I do like and trust him, but I don't want to make it seem like I need pity. I'm considering just being completely honest about everything.
I ate like a pig yesterday and the day before (like 1,000 calories) and went up to 150. I'm down to 147 now. No idea if it's water weight that will just go away or fat... anyway, I'm fasting today and hopefully tomorrow. My stomach won't stop growling. It annoys the crap out of me.
I am just so disgusted with myself right now...
As opposed to yesterday the idea of eating just grosses me out... I guess it seems like my ED goes from really strong to less strong, and back again.
I've been listening Fuckin Perfect by Pink on repeat. It's awesome, and makes me smile :)
<3

I had a speech tournament today... didn't win anything, but it kept me on my feet all day, and away from food.
So far all I've had today is 64oz of Diet Coke :)
It's 5:30pm, but I have to eat dinner with family and family friends... no idea what to have, I want under 50 calories. *sigh*
Can't wait to figure out my calorie loss for today. I use the mypyramid tracker religiously.

I've still been thinking about that one student teacher... how did she KNOW?

Goal weight

So, my most recent goal weight was 147. Yesterday my inaccurate scale bounced between 148 and 147.
Today it bounced between 146 and 147. I'm really excited. I'm not technically overweight anymore... my BMI is 24.4!
I'm really excited... my next goal weight is 135 :)!

(My goal weights are always 12 lower than the previous one... no idea why. I wrote them all out and then realized.)
HW: 220
CW: 147   
GW1: 159 GW2: 147    GW3: 135    GW4: 123    GW5: 111    GW6: 99    UGW... I doubt I'll ever be satisfied

A teacher confronted me about my weight loss today

I've never done a blog post before, I figured I should probably stop clogging up the forums with my stupid shit.
Today was scary... The student teacher in my French class (that I talk to sometimes and that has been in the class for a while) asked me if I was OK when I walked in (I'm usually pretty bubbly, but the last few days I've been quiet and depressed because of the whole my-mom-finding-out thing) and later asked if I could stay after class for 30 seconds, and said that it was nothing bad. I wondered what it was all class period.
I stayed and after everyone left (except the French teacher, who wasn't really paying attention) she quietly told me that she'd noticed I'd lost a lot of weight and she was worried about me... I remembered that the last time she'd seen me was a month ago (She's a college student, they have longer winter break) and that I'd lost about 15lbs since then. Before I said anything she told me that she had struggled with it in her life and it took her a long time to ask for help. I sorta shrugged and said I didn't know that it was that obvious, and that the school counselor had already called my mom about it. She told me that she was there for me and I could always talk to her, and she hadn't said anything to anyone, she was just worried because she cared.

I remember mentioning that I didn't want to gain weight over Christmas while turning down some pastry at our French Club Christmas dinner. She overheard and laughed and told me jokingly that everyone gains over Christmas.
She turned down a truffle at our French Club face painting, saying (in French) "I don't want to get fat" in a joking tone.

Before you ask, why yes, I do overanalyze things.

Usually I know when people have or have had an ED. How did I not catch on to that?

I've been thinking about it all day. Most people see me go from 220 to 150 and congratulate me... I mean I figured no one would notice or be worried because I'm still no where near skinny. Maybe it's because she's been there that she thought something might be up? She seemed pretty sure that it wasn't healthy. Everyone just assumes that the fat chick losing weight is good, but she knew I'd lost a lot. She probably knew it was too fast to be healthy.
I've gotten comments on it, like "keep it up" or "you look awesome".

I found out later today that an acquaintance of mine had been worried about my weight loss too...
I didn't think I was far enough along for that.

I'm now imagining how many more worried talks I'm going to get when I lose more weight.
Gah.

I think Monday I'm going to thank her for her concern, acknowledge that I have a problem, and reaffirm that my parents know, and then thank her for her concern again, and then asking that she not say anything to anyone.
I was kinda caught off guard, so I didn't really say anything, and I don't want to make her think that she offended me.

This is so confusing... How did she KNOW?! It wasn't a "are you being safe, I'm worried" it was an "I'm worried because you've lost a TON of weight"... like there was no doubt.
Makes me wonder who else has it figured out....

I'm not even fucking thin yet. I'm still a fatass.

This has just confused me and kept running through my mind all day.