I'm about to go to bed. I haven't eaten in 80 hours. I'm really hungry. I thought hunger was supposed to go away after the 3rd day.
I'm 136lbs right now. I feel huge.

I bought a ton of safe food at the store with my mom today:

• A rutabaga
• A bag of celery
• A box of generic strawberry Special K cereal (110 calories a cup)
• A thing of cheddar rice cakes (like 40 calories each or something like that)
• A thing of caramel rice cakes (like 40 calories each)
• 2 cans of Progresso soup (100 calories a can)

Then I got some treats:

• Fat-free cheddar cheese (45 cals a cup!!!)
• A box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (130 calories a cup)
• Morningstar vegetarian corn dogs (150 calories each)

I think I'm going to have to go to bed now to avoid the food.

Apparently all my teachers are worried about me. At conferences all of my teachers that my mom met with independently said that they were worried about me and my weight loss.
*sigh*

My weight loss so far

I was sitting and eating celery at the table. My mom was having soup and tortilla chips. I commented that I was jealous that she could just eat all that without worrying about the calories (she knows I've been having some problems with my weight and losing weight unhealthily). She told me that eventually I'll be able to too. I said I doubted it. She said "what, are you planning on dieting even when you're 30?" I replied "yeah". She told me that I'd "be obessesed with 10 other things before I was 30". I got annoyed and told her that she underestimated my food problems. She told me that no, she didn't. I told her that I really felt that she did. Her reply? "You have to understanding that hearing this is like being my age having been in love 10 times and hearing your teenage daughter say that you underestimate her love and how she'll always be in love"
I snapped. I got up, shoved my celery towards her and screamed that she didn't understand. "You know how many calories I've had today?! 415! Yesterday? 15!" then I threw my pills on the floor and told her that I hadn't taken them in months.
Yeah, we ended up "talking" about all this. She asked me what I want her to do... get me help? Get me an ED therapist? Make me eat?
Then she said something about me only having 15 calories yesterday. I'd composed myself and said "no, 15 HUNDRED". She became a ton more relieved.
IDK. I was honest with her about some stuff...
but I just feel like a failure. Like I can't stop now. I'm too fucking fat to stop. I'm too fucking fat to come clean. I'm too fucking fat to deserve recovery.
I realize this all makes me sound like a spoiled whiny brat bitch of a daughter. I don't even care right now. This is going to fuck up my life.
Dammit.

138lbs
Finally broke out of my binge cycle. I had 30 calories today, and a TON of green tea. That shit is amazing.

My weight loss

220

185

165

 

140 (now)

Still 141.
The other day our sociology teacher was demonstrating how important symbols are. He wrote "cow" on the board, and gave us a second. He then told us that it was just 3 squiggly lines but we were all picturing a black and white cow in our heads. Everyone nodded and agreed. The first thing that had come to my mind was myself. That I am a fat cow. EDs really do control your everyday thoughts.

More photography... my dad almost walked in on me shooting this.... would have been awkward to explain why I had a doll hanging with a noose around her neck....