Hello, and welcome to my blog :)
I'm a heavy user of PrettyThin, if you want to contact me my username is read_between_the_lines.
Most of my posts will be ED-related

Friday, January 28, 2011

I just finished giving blood.
I will be back to restricting tomorrow :)
This is for you, yes you!


Thursday, January 27, 2011

I've been sort of eating.
Today is my 16th birthday, and ever since I was 12 I've wanted to give blood on my 16th birthday. I have an appointment tomorrow, and I've been eating normally(ish) these last few days so that my blood will be good for that.
My mom will also be taking me to the clinic soon to get some blood tests and stuff (because she found out about my ED) and I really need the tests to look normal so I can be left alone and look like I've recovered.
So I'm eating like 1,200 calories a day, and I will be having birthday cake tonight too.
I'm scared that once I get past all these obstacles I'll lose all my strength and just keep eating.
I just wish I could go on a several day fast to get back into it. Gah.
The weird thing is I've stayed at 147... I feel huge and disgusting, but I'm not gaining.
I hate myself for eating right now, but I have to.
On the plus side, I got my birthday present, an elliptical, today, so I'll be able to lose even faster.

Monday, January 24, 2011

So I talked to the teacher again today. She said she's in recovery. I asked how she knew, and she couldn't really answer... it's just one of those things that you can detect in others when you have it yourself. She said she didn't think that it was super obvious and everyone knows.
I'm nervous... on the 3rd we have a French club movie night, and there will be boursin (garlic&herb, my favorite kind!) and bread, as well as chocolate, and I know for sure she will be there... I hope she doesn't try to make me eat.
The psychology teacher commented on my weight loss in front of a few people. I just acted uncomfortable and walked away, and one of the people there said "I think that made her uncomfortable". By this point I'm so sick of the compliments that I decided to just tell him why. He was just like "oh.. you shouldn't do that". Really helpful.
I found out today that a teacher that has been gone for like a month at my school that I really like will be coming back next week. Turns out she's pregnant! It was a total shock, haha.
For sociology I have to write an autobiography and it's due a week from today. 1,000 words or more. I have no idea what I want to reveal.. the teacher said no one else would read it, and I do like and trust him, but I don't want to make it seem like I need pity. I'm considering just being completely honest about everything.
I ate like a pig yesterday and the day before (like 1,000 calories) and went up to 150. I'm down to 147 now. No idea if it's water weight that will just go away or fat... anyway, I'm fasting today and hopefully tomorrow. My stomach won't stop growling. It annoys the crap out of me.
I am just so disgusted with myself right now...
As opposed to yesterday the idea of eating just grosses me out... I guess it seems like my ED goes from really strong to less strong, and back again.
I've been listening Fuckin Perfect by Pink on repeat. It's awesome, and makes me smile :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I had a speech tournament today... didn't win anything, but it kept me on my feet all day, and away from food.
So far all I've had today is 64oz of Diet Coke :)
It's 5:30pm, but I have to eat dinner with family and family friends... no idea what to have, I want under 50 calories. *sigh*
Can't wait to figure out my calorie loss for today. I use the mypyramid tracker religiously.

I've still been thinking about that one student teacher... how did she KNOW?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Goal weight

So, my most recent goal weight was 147. Yesterday my inaccurate scale bounced between 148 and 147.
Today it bounced between 146 and 147. I'm really excited. I'm not technically overweight anymore... my BMI is 24.4!
I'm really excited... my next goal weight is 135 :)!

(My goal weights are always 12 lower than the previous one... no idea why. I wrote them all out and then realized.)
HW: 220
CW: 147   
GW1: 159 GW2: 147    GW3: 135    GW4: 123    GW5: 111    GW6: 99    UGW... I doubt I'll ever be satisfied

A teacher confronted me about my weight loss today

I've never done a blog post before, I figured I should probably stop clogging up the forums with my stupid shit.
Today was scary... The student teacher in my French class (that I talk to sometimes and that has been in the class for a while) asked me if I was OK when I walked in (I'm usually pretty bubbly, but the last few days I've been quiet and depressed because of the whole my-mom-finding-out thing) and later asked if I could stay after class for 30 seconds, and said that it was nothing bad. I wondered what it was all class period.
I stayed and after everyone left (except the French teacher, who wasn't really paying attention) she quietly told me that she'd noticed I'd lost a lot of weight and she was worried about me... I remembered that the last time she'd seen me was a month ago (She's a college student, they have longer winter break) and that I'd lost about 15lbs since then. Before I said anything she told me that she had struggled with it in her life and it took her a long time to ask for help. I sorta shrugged and said I didn't know that it was that obvious, and that the school counselor had already called my mom about it. She told me that she was there for me and I could always talk to her, and she hadn't said anything to anyone, she was just worried because she cared.

I remember mentioning that I didn't want to gain weight over Christmas while turning down some pastry at our French Club Christmas dinner. She overheard and laughed and told me jokingly that everyone gains over Christmas.
She turned down a truffle at our French Club face painting, saying (in French) "I don't want to get fat" in a joking tone.

Before you ask, why yes, I do overanalyze things.

Usually I know when people have or have had an ED. How did I not catch on to that?

I've been thinking about it all day. Most people see me go from 220 to 150 and congratulate me... I mean I figured no one would notice or be worried because I'm still no where near skinny. Maybe it's because she's been there that she thought something might be up? She seemed pretty sure that it wasn't healthy. Everyone just assumes that the fat chick losing weight is good, but she knew I'd lost a lot. She probably knew it was too fast to be healthy.
I've gotten comments on it, like "keep it up" or "you look awesome".

I found out later today that an acquaintance of mine had been worried about my weight loss too...
I didn't think I was far enough along for that.

I'm now imagining how many more worried talks I'm going to get when I lose more weight.

I think Monday I'm going to thank her for her concern, acknowledge that I have a problem, and reaffirm that my parents know, and then thank her for her concern again, and then asking that she not say anything to anyone.
I was kinda caught off guard, so I didn't really say anything, and I don't want to make her think that she offended me.

This is so confusing... How did she KNOW?! It wasn't a "are you being safe, I'm worried" it was an "I'm worried because you've lost a TON of weight"... like there was no doubt.
Makes me wonder who else has it figured out....

I'm not even fucking thin yet. I'm still a fatass.

This has just confused me and kept running through my mind all day.

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