I was sitting and eating celery at the table. My mom was having soup and tortilla chips. I commented that I was jealous that she could just eat all that without worrying about the calories (she knows I've been having some problems with my weight and losing weight unhealthily). She told me that eventually I'll be able to too. I said I doubted it. She said "what, are you planning on dieting even when you're 30?" I replied "yeah". She told me that I'd "be obessesed with 10 other things before I was 30". I got annoyed and told her that she underestimated my food problems. She told me that no, she didn't. I told her that I really felt that she did. Her reply? "You have to understanding that hearing this is like being my age having been in love 10 times and hearing your teenage daughter say that you underestimate her love and how she'll always be in love"
I snapped. I got up, shoved my celery towards her and screamed that she didn't understand. "You know how many calories I've had today?! 415! Yesterday? 15!" then I threw my pills on the floor and told her that I hadn't taken them in months.
Yeah, we ended up "talking" about all this. She asked me what I want her to do... get me help? Get me an ED therapist? Make me eat?
Then she said something about me only having 15 calories yesterday. I'd composed myself and said "no, 15 HUNDRED". She became a ton more relieved.
IDK. I was honest with her about some stuff...
but I just feel like a failure. Like I can't stop now. I'm too fucking fat to stop. I'm too fucking fat to come clean. I'm too fucking fat to deserve recovery.
I realize this all makes me sound like a spoiled whiny brat bitch of a daughter. I don't even care right now. This is going to fuck up my life.
Dammit.

138lbs
Finally broke out of my binge cycle. I had 30 calories today, and a TON of green tea. That shit is amazing.

My weight loss

220

185

165

 

140 (now)

Still 141.
The other day our sociology teacher was demonstrating how important symbols are. He wrote "cow" on the board, and gave us a second. He then told us that it was just 3 squiggly lines but we were all picturing a black and white cow in our heads. Everyone nodded and agreed. The first thing that had come to my mind was myself. That I am a fat cow. EDs really do control your everyday thoughts.

More photography... my dad almost walked in on me shooting this.... would have been awkward to explain why I had a doll hanging with a noose around her neck....

Yay photography

I was messing around with my camera last night and this is what I came up with
Feel free to reblog if you wish (no idea why you'd want to)

I could feel a binge coming on.....

I had a giant bowl of soup when I got home from school to try to avoid it- 92 calories.

Then I took a nap hoping to sleep through the urge, but I woke up.

So I had some vegetables- 50

and some chips and salsa- 120

I kept craving ice cream, so I had some so that I wouldn't stuff my face with it later- 100

I figured this was a lot but if it kept away a binge it was alright.

Then the binge started

more ice cream- 150

3 granola bars- 300

lasagna- 280

slice of cheese- 80

cookies- 560

Total- 1732

I feel fucking disgusting and revolting and huge.

Fuck my inability to throw up. I feel like I should try, but it never works and I always just end up feeling like shit (not that I don't deserve it)

Tomorrow is a new day, what-fucking-ever I stuffed my face with almost 1/2 a lb worth of calories.
That's as much as "normal" people eat in a day.

I don't know if I even have a fucking eating disorder or if I'm just a fat ass who whines about being fat but has no self control and likes to stuff her face.

Maybe I'm just a stupid worthless fat whore who likes to think she has an ED because it makes her feel special. Probably.

I'm going to be this fucking fat forever if I can't get it under control.

When skinny girls binge it's OK- they're still skinny, they don't really need to lose weight, it's understandable because their bodies need food- but fuck it, my body has so much fucking energy attached to it already... it's called fat.

Sorry for the whining, I've just only ever binged like 900 calories before and I feel fucking disgusting and horrible and weak.

I feel like crying and cutting and I don't know what else.

Pretty fucking proud of myself :)
I had 11 calories yesterday, and worked off 411 at the gym
Today I've had 92 and that will hopefully be all.
I weighed 139 when I got home, but I've had literally 5 cans of diet coke, and 3-4 cups of soup (it was a package mix, it's where the 92 came from) so after that I was 143.
Weekends suck though :(
I have to go to my dad's at 4 tomorrow, so maybe I can get my mom to take me to the gym in the morning, and then get my dad to take me in the evening, that way they both think I went once.
:)

A teacher read us this poem a few months ago (he often opens class with a poem) and it meant so much to me that I went out and found it and put it in picture form.

Ate 600 calories
burned off 600 calories at the gym
unsure how to feel about this :/

8:30 pm
Egg white- 17cals
Chocolate- 45cals
Salad+veggies- 30 cals?
Pudding cup- 60cals
Total- 152 cals
Then ran off 535 at the gym
It was a good day :)
And I went to see the French club movie, and the student teacher wasn't there, so I got away with eating NOTHING. I was surrounded by bread with Boursin, chocolate tarts, and cookies, and I didn't have any. I'm pretty frickin proud of myself.
Everyone else was eating though... I never realized how disgusting eating is. It was so loud and gross. Blegh.

Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I binged again.... like 500 calories of ice cream and rice crisps.
And I can't even fucking purge....
10 minutes of disgustingness and I could barely get anything out and I feel like shit.
I wonder if these are even just binges or me refusing to face the fact that I'm a fucking fat ass with no self-control who stuffs her disgusting fat face.

 I had some cabbage soup and chips and salsa... maybe 300 calories?
... but that's not why I'm posting.
I came out to my mom :)

My mom knows I do gay straight alliance and stuff, but I haven't come out.

I was sitting at the kitchen table eating chips and salsa with my mom and I randomly said "by the way... I'm bisexual"
She said "...ok?"
I said "just thought you should know"
She asked how I knew
I told her the same way she knew she was straight
She skeptically said that I was too young to know
I reminded her that I'm 16 and not naive
She said OK
I then asked if she'd be OK with me bringing a girlfriend home
She recommended not bringing home a girlfriend to my dad's house (he would flip)
We then joked about how my grandparents would react to the that
and then started talking about how our days went.
I love my mom, haha

Yesterday I did like 800, but that was with 2 hours of ice skating
I was 141/142 after school today.
I've been fasting but I'm really tempted to do some 200 calorie cabbage soup... I'm pretty damn hungry.
But then I might lose the dizziness... I am so close to passing out. I effing love it :)
Grrrr....
I hate the stupid fight with the ED voice... maybe I should just go to sleep and forget about it.

I binged, like the fucking disgusting pig that I am...
I had my planned lunch, 179 cals, and a cracker, 6 cals
Then I got home.
I had some hashbrowns- 40
Then 3 bags of Cinna-Swirl crisps- 270
2 pudding cups- 160
Cabbage soup-150?
4 cookies- 140
Lettuce and Salsa- 40

Grand total... Drumroll please?

985

I feel fucking disgusting. If I could I'd be puking right now. I hate myself, but I can't bring myself to care about the calories right now... I'll sure regret it tomorrow though.
I was on my feet all day... the mypyramidtracker thing says I used up about 3,000 calories today.
I'm not going to weigh myself tomorrow (if I can resist, haha) and I'll be at my dad's all day so I won't weigh until Monday afternoon, and hopefully this won't have set me back too much.
I was 144 this morning.

Tuesday I broke down and handed over my diet pills to my mom and told her my tricks to get out of eating. I was scared I would go back to heavy restricting.
Now I'm back to restricting.
Yesterday I had
Vegetables- 50 Cals
Egg white- 17 Cals
Salsa and lettuce- 10 Cals
Putting me at 77 Cals
Then I went to the gym and ran off 400 on the elliptical as well as doing some yoga.
I've already been feeling lightheaded and like I'm going to pass out.
Today I had
2 egg whites- 34 Cals
Vegetables- 50 Cals
Salsa and lettuce- 10 Cals
Pudding- 80 Cals
Fruit snacks- 45 Cals
So, 219 Calories
Tomorrow I'll be out of the house all day doing something at school... there will be free pizza and pop, eek.
I packed for lunch
2 Diet Cokes
Iceburg lettuce- 5 Cals
Salsa- 22 Cals
Raw carrots- 40 Cals
Microwaved veggies- 50 Cals
Egg white (hard boiled)- 17 Cals
Fruit snacks- 45 Cals
Total: 179 Cals

I'm giving myself a 500 limit for tomorrow, hoping to stay under 300
I got down to 145lbs :)